i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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