Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
