im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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