Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
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I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
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Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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