So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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