How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
