the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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