I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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