3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
