Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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