"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
