Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
