He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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