tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
