I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
