I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
