The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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