It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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