If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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