fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
