I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
