I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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