Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
