On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
