I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
