apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
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The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
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Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.