Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.