Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...