Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
