Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
