Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
