I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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