i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
