Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
