I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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