1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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