I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
