I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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