Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
