if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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