life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
