Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
