The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
