i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
