i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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