i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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