I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
