Swine flu. Run for my life!
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
