What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
