I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
