I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
