I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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