There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
