Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
