You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
